"Here is a box, a musical box, wound up and ready to play. But this box can hide a secret inside. Can you guess what is in it today?"  Well, I can tell you.  A ferret wearing nutter, an absolute bread and butter.

I don't know much aboot Donald Trumpton.  I know he's like the American Alan Sugar, but with less facial hair and a pet ferret.  I know that he married the actual, the ACTUAL, mannequin from the hit eighties movie, um, "Mannequin".  And that's aboot it.



That was until he decided to turn Eberdeenshire into The TrumpToon Millionaire Golf & £10k Hoors Resort.  I would like to point out that I've been to Eberdeenshire so speak with authority when I say that TrumpToon could only be an improvement. But my hitherto untapped admiration for Herr Trumpton was thoroughly, well, tapped when he arrived in Eberdeen yesterday (pictured below).



On arriving at Eberdeen Airport & 24 Hour SheepWash, he was questioned about the the potential impact of the decision of Menie estate resident Michael Forbes to sell a plot of his land to Tripping Up Trump, the group formed to oppose the massive golf resort on the Eberdeenshire coast.

The action, he insisted, was too little and too late.  So far, so bland, but Trumpton then went on the offensive, branding Mr Forbes' family home at the Mill of Menie as a "slum and a pigsty".

With a gleam in his eye and, hopefully, a pistol in his pocket, he warmed up, continuing: "He does have an impact on the hotel because if we build a $300m or $400m hotel, I don't think you want the windows looking down into a slum. I don't think anybody wants to build where your view is obliterated by a slum.  I would love to see him clean up his property. His property is a pigsty. It's terrible – his barn is all rotted and rusted and falling down. I mean, it's terrible."

He then decided to go all Nazionalist on Mr Forbes by questioning Mr Forbes' Scotch ancestry. "My mother was born in Stornoway (something most people would keep a closely guarded secret) and she was so meticulous and if I dropped a little piece of paper on the floor as a baby she said: 'pick up that paper'. She was the most clean woman I've ever seen. She was immaculate. The people of Scotland are that way (WTF! Eh? Are you sure he's been to Scotchland). This place is a pigsty. I don't know where he comes from. Maybe his heritage is from somewhere other than Scotchand."

He then went on to say that once he owned the whole of Scotchland, he would embark on a campaign to rid the country of these alien, non-paper pickerupperers, and that anyone without the appropriate documentation would be dealt with swiftly and mercillessly. Possibly by being sent to Stonehaven for a weeks caravanning.  In October.  The bastard.