I knew there was something missing!

There I was, forced to stand on the bus again, as hundreds of backpack wearing furriners jabbered away at the top of their voices.  I got off the bus and couldn't get on to the pavement for the hordes of even-fatter-than-me Germans who seemed determined to annex the bus stop.

I was going to go into the bank to conduct some business that doesn't concern you, but when I heard the convoluted pidgin English exchange rate conversation that was destined to take half an hour minimum, I demurred.  Instead, I got on another bus to go back to work.  Shame it didn't move for 10 minutes while the bus driver tried to explain to an eejit Frenchman that he (the eejit) was on the wrong side of the road, and that while, yes, the 26 was the bus he wanted, a round trip to get where he wanted to go would take about an hour and a half going This Way, but only 10 minutes going That Way.

And while this all happened in the space of an hour, I had this sinking feeling that there just weren't enough loud, overbearing, sweaty, pushy furriners in toon.  And I was right.  Thankfully, rescue is at hand!

I'm proud to announce the launch of EmbraAid!  And you, yes YOU can do your bit.  All we're asking is for you to send your spare tourists to Embra over the next year.  I know that the more salubrious parts of the world have a surfeit of furriners and this is your chance to rid yourselves of the pesky varmints.  Simply club them over the head, put them in a gunny sack, and send them Freepost to Destination Edinburgh Marketing Alliance (DEMA), 4 East Market Street, Business Centre G6, Edinburgh, EH8 8B6

The costs of this campaign are being met through three major marketing campaigns expected to cost around £1 million are to promote Edinburgh over the next year.   The separate campaigns will sell the city around the UK at three different times of the year; the summer, the festive season and the winter.  The campaigns, which are being run by the new Destination Edinburgh Marketing Alliance (DEMA), are designed to promote the city as a year-round tourist destination.

Because no-one ever comes here, apart from during the months of January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December.  And it's those empty spaces that we really, really need to fill. 

This year's first campaign, This Is My Edinburgh, will start next month and run until September. It will target under-35s and will feature outdoor advertising around the UK, as well as social networking sites, emphasising, wait for it, the summer attractions in Edinburgh, such as the festivals!

[You mean there's a festival in Embra?  Why did no-one tell me?  I'm sure I would have went to it, if only I'd known.]

It's being run by the same people who ran the 2009/10 Edinburgh Sparkles campaign, which resulted in the number of people visiting the city centre in December 2009 declining by 6.3 per cent on a year earlier.

Which, apparently, counts as a major success!  Marketeers, eh?  Can't live with them, can't drown them like a Gladstone bag full of kittens.